Letting The 4 Year Old Lead (Wood Monkeys and Democracy)

My 4 year old daughter is very creative and strong willed. After all, her chinese astrological sign is "wood monkey" (most kids who are 4 at this moment in time (and were born before feb 2005) are wood monkeys). Monkeys are imaginative, responsible, humorous, witty, curious and clever. They can also be sneaky. But the wood monkey is a real dynamo. And boy is she! So much passion and always a plan... a big plan.

But sometimes all this kinetic and curiuos energy, coupled with her speedy mind, seems to stop her in her tracks. It's almost as if she blows a fuse from time to time. She gets really UPSET when she loses. And the beautiful thing is that she knows it. She says, "I get angry when I lose". What a blessing to us (her parents) that her self-awareness can help us pave a way for her for even greater self-understanding.

So as the mother of a wood monkey, here's my  PLAN:

LET THE MONEKY LEAD

My self-imposed task now is to let her lead, let her call the shots and say "yes" as many times a day as I can. Now, of course I don't mean  that I'll say "yes" to 10 gallons of chocolate sauce or dangerous sky-diving activities. But I am trying with all my might to NOT suggest too  much to her and to let her come up with HER OWN plan.

We are currently in Hawaii, so every day is an adventure. Swimming is the most exciting thing going on around here, and my daughter in the past, has been very nervous in the water. I've tried with swimming lessons and she just gets freaked out and panic-y. So now... I let her lead. I don't say, "Oh, try to kick with big splashes" or "Do you want to try jumping off the side and I'll catch you?". She just doesn't respond well to my ideas and suggestions. And I see that as I back off, she gets more adventurous and becomes more brave, becoming more in-control of her world. And I am happy to report that in just one day (yesterday) she learned to swim! All the way across the pool AND in the Maui waves (with floaties).

One more thought on letting her lead: yesterday she wanted a chocolate covered macaroon cookie. I said "ok" and her Daddy said, "You're not going to like it". They had a little battle over it and then we deicided... let her try it - let her have the power to choose and we'll see (and the old "choose your battles" rule also applies here). So we bought the baked item at the Maui Coffee Store and she liked it...kind of.  Will she order it again? Who knows?! Who cares! The important thing is that she is free to choose, lead and follow her curiousity, and for wood monkeys (and for most of us) that is one of the greatest perks of our liberal democratic nation. Power to the wood monkeys!!!

Aloha -

DP

Musical Parenting Tip: Make up new words to songs you know

I like to accompany most activities in life with music. I sing A LOT. It's just my nature. It's also my nature to teach and I love teaching music to children. They are so excited about playing piano and learning songs. It is like I am giving them the tools to fly a 747. I sometimes feel that a piano looks like a wonderful spaceship to kids (and maybe to everyone). All those buttons and pedals - Come ON! Fly me To The Moon!

Back to today's tip: Make up new words to songs you know. This is so easy and fun to do. Do it while driving, in the bathtub, on a picnic and in the grocery line! One really fun and funny one is to start with is The Alphabet Song (the traditional one). When you get to the last letter (or word) or each section, instead of singing the letter/word, make a raspberry sound (you know, the sound that comes from putting your tongue between your lips and gently blowing out on a "P" sound, letting your lips flutter in the wind). Let's try it!

1, 2, ready, go:

a...b...c...d...e..f... PLLTHLTHTHLT!
h....i...j...k...l.m.n.o.. PLLTHLTHTHLT!
q...r...s......t....u...PLLTHLTHTHLT!
w....x....y...and PLLTHLTHTHLT!
Now I know my A... B... PLLTHLTHTHLT!
Next time won't you sing with PLLTHLTHTHLT!

Isn't that fun and funny? I sing it with my kids and I did it at a Didi Pop Show last night...kids love it! I mean they LAUGH HARD!

You may be thinking, "OK Didi Pop, this sounds fun, but what exactly does that teach?"


Firstly, it teaches the alphabet in a more cognitive way. Kids are not simply singing what they have memorized (a series of sounds accompanied by melody), they are thinking and processing about what comes next. They are also learning breathing technique (it takes a different kind of air flow to create the raspberries) and therefore, musical phrasing. It teaches creativity (they learn that words and sounds can be  substituted for other words/sounds) and empowers children around music and language (Yes! There are no rules! Music and lanuguage are tools that can be altered according to one's mood!). It also inspires general silliness and family FUN. I mean, who doesn't want to see their grandma singing:

h....i...j...k...l....m...n.o...... PLLTHLTHTHLT!

You get what you get, you don't always get your needs met

I never heard the saying, "You get what you get ... don't get upset" until I had little kids of my own. In fact, I once got into a passionate discussion over this phrase with some moms over organic salad in Santa Monica. A preschool teacher said it to Eli (a 3 year old) and Eli's mom was REALLY annoyed. Eli's mom, Jill, said, "I don't like the idea of anyone telling my son what he can or cannot feel". I totally agreed with her,   but as we walked away from that dinner, I realized that I didn't know what to do about it or how to fix it. Maybe we could create a  new phrase - a better motto -  that grown-ups could use to teach their children that they can't always have everything they want when they want it. AND, that it's ok to feel because of it.

Recently I have been studying spiritual psychology with Rabbi Mordecai Finley. He says when a person get angry,  (let's call him Eli)  what's really happening is that Eli is not getting his needs met. Finley recommends that Eli would understand more about his feelings if he could ask himself, "Why am I angry?".  Now you are probably thinking, "How can Eli process this? He is only 3!". That is where the parents come in.

As parents, maybe if we explained to our children that anger/sadness/frustration do not come from the world being "unfair" but from the natural order of things, kids might understand that their feelings are valid. Not getting one's needs met are a part of life.  Maybe then, Eli might take his anger and traslate it into sadness. Maybe then, Eli could experience the feeling of being "upset" and learn from it. He could grow into a more thoughtful person and use his emotions to teach himself about himself. He could learn that sweeping his feelings under the rug with the old "Don't get upset" doesn't work. All it does is create more frustration and a kind of "I'm bad... it's wrong of me to have feelings" attitude. Shame.

After all, don't we want to raise our kids to know themselves...first and foremost?

So - how about, "You get what you get, you don't always get your needs met"
as a starting place for understanding dissappointment? It's not quite as succinct, but hey...it rhymes! And, most importantly, it works.

Farmer's Market teaches Seasons to Kids (and keeps them healthy!)

We like Sunday mornings here in Mar Vista. Every week we walk over to our local farmer's market. I can remember what life was before we had fresh picked lettuce and fresh laid eggs available a few blocks from our doorstep. I was raised with frozen spinach in a box. It was the most disgusting, slimy, inedible stuff I'd ever seen or tasted! And even now, when I go to the "super market", I pick up a tomato and wonder where it was born, how many chemicals are in it and how long it sat in a truck before it got into my hands. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to get that tomato to the super market, but there's no question that I'd rather eat the one radiating vitamins that was picked this morning, an hour away from home.

Anyway, how lucky my girls (2 and 4) are to "know" fresh food. We wander, looking , tasting and smelling the wonderful summer fruits and veggies spread on the tables at the farmer's market, or as we call it The Crepe Market. There is a french man there, Tierry, who whips up these delectable crepes. Sugar/Lime is now Delilah's favorite. The colors of the market are always breathtaking... it's like a party for the senses and Hannah likes to touch everything - which is OK! (But not in Italy! Once I got slapped for touching a cucumber at a market!). We also get a great sense of seasonal change as we explore every week. For example, the peaches will only be GOOD for another 2 or 3 weeks, says the farmer who grows them. Oh how those white peaches have gottem us thru the summer, kept us cool and hydrated... and the yummy fresh peach yogurt we made with our wedding present ice cream maker. Alas... seasons change, fruits change, but last week we saw something REALLY exciting.... a few small pumpkins in a pile, glowing in the sun, calling us toward the fall and saying, "BOO!"